Tuesday 11 September 2012

ARE YOU OKAY?


I'm going to write a quite serious blog today. This doesn't mean that my other blogs are light-hearted and jovial, no it means that the subject matter is serious. I want to talk about a subject that in Australia where I live, each year claims over 2,500 lives and many thousands more around the world. It is a subject that people seem almost reluctant to talk about, which is a shame because it has more than likely touched every one of us. I know that it has personally touched my life. I'm talking about suicide.
The reason I want to talk about it is that on the 13th of September in Australia, it is R U OK? Day. This is where we are encouraged to ask friends, family, work colleagues, if they are okay, and start a dialogue that allows them to talk about how they are feeling and may avert them from making that choice.
It was only two years ago that it last touched my life. I have had it before a few times. A friend of mine who I was pretty close to, who lived in Queensland, decided to take this path. He had come out of a painful relationship, met a lady who made him happy and had recently had a child with her. It all seemed like it was picking up for him. Then, one day he saw her and his son off for the day, and when she returned he had taken his life. No signs, no warnings, no note. It still baffles me why he chose that path and saddens me that he couldn't phone to talk to someone who cared.
Now, it may seem that I'm not understanding where he was when he made that decision. I can tell you that I do. I have been there a number of times. I don't tell people these things, because I am inclined to be a private person, but I feel I need to put a dialogue out there, that let's others know that if they really need someone, there is at least one who understands. When I was a teenager, I was suffering the usual teenage angst. I felt I wasn't loved, I felt I wasn't worth anything, that I would never achieve anything. I distinctly remember sitting at my desk in my bedroom, feeling as if I was in a black pit and picking up a stanley blade, or box cutter if you prefer. I rested it on my wrist and contemplated pulling it across to end my pain and despair. The silly thing is that I had no idea what I was doing and would have probably not succeeded, except to bleed a lot and feel a lot of agony. I don't know what eventually stopped me but I must have sat there for a good ten minutes with the blade on my wrist. After those ten or so minutes were up, I put the blade away. I didn't take my life obviously, but I kept feeling lots of moments of despair, self-doubt and blackness that at times were overwhelming. I even had a few times where I could feel I was on the precipice of depression. It scared me to look over that edge, so I crawled back away from it, thankfully.
When my first marriage ended, it was my wife that left me. She wanted to take my two boys back to the UK, and the courts had given her permission to do that. In the space of a year, I had lost my grandmother to lung cancer, my mother to pancreatic cancer, my marriage had failed, I lost the right to keep my kids in the country, my finances were screwed up, and I was miserable. Again, the thing that we call in Australia, the black dog, was creeping up on me and the pain got worse and worse. I was in a bit of a free-fall and I wondered how I would get out of it. It seemed there was no light at the end of the tunnel and there was one easy way to end all the pain. I toyed with it many times, driving my car, thinking about how to do it through a fatal car crash, handling knives and thinking how best to bleed quickly. There were many ways I contemplated it.
Again, I couldn't bring myself to take that last little step. That state of mind, the despair, the pain, the not wanting to continue with the pain, carried me through another marriage and another 12 years or so. It wasn't always black and horrible, but it was always on the periphery of my mind, like a moth around a light globe, dancing in and out, always letting me know it was there. I don't know how I got through it. Looking back, I still couldn't tell you, but I'm glad I did. It was probably the day I sat down and really examined my life, and developed The 7 Big Questions that I started to get rid of the black dog. It wasn't an easy journey getting away from the black dog, but it's one I'm so glad I took.
Looking back now, I realise that it was stupid and foolish of me to not talk to a friend about it, or even phone a help-line of some sort. It would have made the journey easier, me less of a victim and saved me a lot of time. So what I'm doing for you, is asking 'Are you okay?' Are you struggling? Do you need a shoulder? I'm telling you that you can get through it, it is possible. Not easy, but possible. Reach out to someone, a trusted friend, a help-line, a counsellor, even me. Don't fight this on your own and for heavens sake, don't take that final step. You have wonderful gifts you can bring to the world, and if you take that last step, we may never get to find out what they are and that would be a tragedy. Reach out, know that you're not alone. I ask you again 'Are you okay?'
Wayne Brown is a facilitator and promoter for life change. Contact him at
or listen to his podcasts at www.the7bigquestions.podomatic.com

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